fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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