I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
