I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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