so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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