So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
