As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
