i just wanna soil my oats bro
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
