there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found the puke drawer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
