Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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