You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
