Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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