the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize