can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
