my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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