god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
