Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
