feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you never un-have a 4some
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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