how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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