No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
