Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
