So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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