My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
