So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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