She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
