He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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