I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
