If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
