Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
too bad you live with your parents still
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
