My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
