hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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