All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
