he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
