I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
