She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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