Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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