I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
