Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
