I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
