Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
