I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
