there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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