I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
