I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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