I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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