just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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