you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
