Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
