dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
