tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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