Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
