i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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