; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
