I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
