i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
